Sedaratives: Rose McGowan
At a dinner party, what’s the best wine to serve that says,“If you guys want to turn this into a key party, I wouldn’t be opposed?”
A nice bottle of Manischewitz mixed with Rohypnol usually does the trick.
I’ve been married for fifteen years, and my wife just announced that she thinks we should get separate beds. Is she trying to tell me something?
Yes. Watch out. It starts with separate beds and then the next thing you know, you’re being fed poison with dinner. I’m thinking she’ll use arsenic. It takes a little while to die, and it’s quite painful. The good news is that once you’re autopsied, a bitter almond smell will be released from your body. Once the medical examiner smells that, your death will be ruled a homicide. I know these things: I’ve seen CSI, both the original show and that Miami spin-off. I can’t stand the Miami CSI. That redheaded dude thinks he’s all slick with his dopey sunglasses. Redheaded dudes are not cool.
My girlfriend wants a big fancy wedding, but I’d rather just go to the courthouse and get it over with. Is there a way to compromise, maybe split the difference? Or is that dumb?
When I’m flummoxed, a good night of square dancing really shakes the dumb right out of me. Also, your girlfriend is a whore.
I was laid off a few months ago, and my severance check is bigger than I thought—enough to pay my rent and keep me in weed. Remind me why I should be looking for a new job?
Grand Rapids, Mich.
Because eventually the severance pay will run out and you’ll have watched everything on TV and you won’t be able to afford cable or Netflix anymore and it will be the end of time so no new movies or TV shows will be produced, the weed will run out, and then you will die. So: Stay at it, B. Henderson! You go, America!
I know office romances are a terrible idea, but I think I’m falling in love with the woman in the next cubicle. Should I let her know how I feel, or keep my emotions a secret?
Lovelorn in Los Angeles
Here’s how to make her love you: Start out with late-night calls to her house. Don’t talk, just breathe. Heavily. Do that about twenty to thirty times a night. After that, make sure you key her car. Scratch I LOVE YOU all over her new Audi. Follow her to the bathroom and slide love notes under the stall. Get a blow-up doll that looks just like her and keep it in your cubicle. If you kiss the doll super hard at least three times a day, she’ll become jealous and will see that there is no such thing as life without you.