Sedaratives: Canadian Musician Guest Columnists

Dear Sedaratives,

Whenever I try baking cookies, the batter always comes out too runny. Am I using too much milk or not enough powdered sugar? Also, I suspect that my wife may be cheating on me. How can I trap the deceitful bitch in her own web of lies?

Confused in Portland

Dear Confused,

Why is everyone suddenly using the word “bitch”? It is creepy. Recently I was on a snorkeling boat in the South Pacific, watching snorkelers snorkel (as I am mildy afraid of the water) with another snorkeling abstainer, a kind woman from New Jersey. She told me about how, before her vacation, she had taken a course to try to cure her full-on aquaphobia. They asked participants to put their faces in a bowl of water, and she couldn’t even bring herself to try. I looked around at the miles of open choppy ocean and tried to move the conversation towards some-thing that would distract her from the fact that she was sur-rounded by her greatest fear. I asked what she thought of the upcoming U.S. presidential race and she said she liked Obama but thought he was inexperienced, and she loved Bill Clinton but thought Hillary was “kind of a bitch.” I didn’t know how to respond to any of that, and then her husband swam up to the boat, spat some water through his snorkel, and yelled, “Get in the water! Right now!” I bet you are like him, and deserve some misfortune—a good cuckolding or shark attack. Try granulated sugar instead of powdered.

John K. Samson, the Weakerthans
Winnipeg

Dear Sedaratives,

Are babies worth the hassle of pregnancy?

An Unwilling Mother,
Jacksonville, Fla.

Dear Unwilling Mother,

This is an excellent question. I don’t have any children, nor am I a woman, so I went to an expert: my mother. She said, “No. The nine months of pregnancy are just the beginning. Once the baby is born, you will lose your identity. Your baby’s birth will also be your death. Not literally, of course, but the death of the vibrant, exciting woman that you’ve spent your whole life working on. You will lose contact with friends. Your writing will suffer. And the so-called ‘bliss of parenthood’ is a sham too. You’ll find yourself talking less about your beautiful new infant and more about the weight you’ve gained.”

Thanks, Mom! I love you too.
Owen Pallett, Final Fantasy
Toronto

Dear Sedaratives,

I’m much better at cooking than baking. I’ve heard that people who excel at cooking are right-brained, while bakers tend to be left-brained. Could this be true?

Desperate in the Kitchen
San Francisco, Calif.

Dear Desperate,

As far...