Dear Sedaratives,

I read somewhere that dolphins are the only animals (besides humans) who engage in gang rape. Is that true? And if it is, should I remove the dolphin posters from my daughter’s bedroom walls?

Sincerely,

D. Sachs
Pittsburgh, Pa.

Dear D.,

I am facing a similar situation. My teenage son fancies himself an artist. To that end, he has hung up a very unsettling print by M. C. Escher on his wall. There’s just something about a hand drawing itself that I find unsavory. But you have given me a great idea. I am going to tell my son that M.C. Escher was a rapist.

Thanks,

Mindy

Dear Sedaratives,

I recently discovered that my fiancé is a cat burglar.
I have no problem dating a criminal, but does he have to use such ridiculous 1950s terminology? I imagine him going to work dressed in a black turtleneck and an eye mask and a bag with a big dollar sign written on the side flung over his shoulders. How should I tell him that I’m losing all respect for him?

Katie L.
Grand Rapids, Mich.

Dear Katie,

I’m sorry, but I stopped reading after I read the word fiancé. Lady, what are you trying to prove? Does the word fiancé need to be used, ever? Boyfriend or serious boyfriend suffices just fine. People who drop French words like fiancé or joie de vivre are the real criminals, not your interesting-sounding boyfriend.

Mindy

Dear Sedaratives,

My husband is a terrible author. He’s been working on the same novel for almost a decade, and I’m so tired of reading his “latest revision.” I just can’t fake it anymore, and he gets suspicious when I claim to have a headache or eye cramps. How can I avoid his sloppy prose while also sparing his feelings?

Guilty Wife in Baton Rouge

Dear Guilty Wife,

You think the fact that he’s bad is the reason you hate reading his stuff, but it’s not. When I carried on my ­decades-long affair with Tom Wolfe—you should’ve seen the two of us, nattily dressed in matching white suits—he always asked me to read his work. It was dreadful. It got to the point where I had to put down ­Chapter Two of The Right Stuff and say: “They go to space, they don’t go to space, I don’t care anymore!” And he’s a good writer. It’s torture. I would check in to a women’s shelter.

Regards,

Mindy

Dear Sedaratives,

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for eight years and my family still thinks he’s my roommate. I don’t know...