Sedaratives: Anthony Jeselnik
I recently lost 115 pounds. Where is my Subway endorsement? All I got is rid of my type II diabetes. So what? Can you help me exploit my health?
I don’t know where your Subway endorsement is. I called the corporate offices, and they’d never even heard of you. I even told them about your funny “type II diabetes” joke, but the guy on the phone actually suffers from type II diabetes, so he got mad and put me on with his supervisor, or “supervisor artist,” as they like to be called. I once again explained your situation, and he didn’t even believe that you lost 115 pounds. And now neither do I. He was very convincing.
How do you get those little pills off your sweaters? It’s driving me crazy.
First you have to get rid of any pets you might have. Cats, dogs, birds, even fish. They’ve all got to go. All done? Great, now
I can answer your question. To get those little pills off your sweaters, just pick the pills off one by one with your fingernails whenever you find yourself trapped in a boring conversation. Worst-case scenario: conversation over. Best-case scenario: your boring friend will start helping you with his or her own fingers! As for the back of your sweater, well, I’m afraid you’re just going to have to throw the back of that sweater away.
Let’s get this straight: I like drinking. I like it a lot. But don’t you think just liking it shouldn’t necessarily label you an alcoholic? What’s a bottle or two of wine while watching The Biggest Loser? It’s nothing, right?
Newport Beach, Calif.
You are correct. Drinking a bottle of wine or two while watching The Biggest Loser is nothing. You should really step it up to at least two entire boxes of wine per episode. I recommend going with a nice Franzia white zinfandel during the show and then below-average Franzia Chianti during commercials, as an emotional cleanser. Also, you should be able to rest easy knowing that alcoholics don’t actually “like” drinking, they just really hate watching the morbidly obese make a mockery of the elliptical machine.
I find the fig confusing. Why does it have only one cookie? It’s freaking delicious.
I take it you wrote this letter after eating one fig but before eating a second fig. Everyone loves the first fig they eat, not understanding that they’ve hit their “fig threshold.” Then they’ll usually try to eat a second fig, thinking that they’ve discovered a miracle fruit and cursing their parents for keeping the fig from them as children. But, trust me, once that second fig hits your lips, you’ll realize the truth. Figs are disgusting. They are like giant raisins filled with sugar, and they are the consistency of a mummified ball sack. That is why the only people who actually do eat figs are the elderly, because they are atoning for their numerous sins and preparing themselves for hell. Hell, by the way, is an endless fig-eating contest.