WORLD PEACE

The new Croatian issue of Cosmopolitan says that, given the option, 74 percent of all Croats would choose world peace over a larger penis. That right there struck me as the biggest insight into our men: they lie. And living in the country of lying men is like living in that Greek proverb about the Cretans, which says that all Cretans lie. I can’t really imagine a Croatian guy standing naked in front of the mirror and wishing for world peace. To be honest, I can’t imagine a man, anywhere or at any time, wishing for world peace as he is getting undressed. Anyway, would our history have been so filled with heroes if men thought of world peace? The same applies to the sense of humor, which our men, according to research, find the most appealing quality in a woman. Blatant lie, just like the one about world peace. I know what I’m talking about. I have a sense of humor. And there was many a situation in which humor didn’t help one bit but when height and longer legs would have made a world of difference. I think Croats care the most about the female bottom, closely followed by breasts, legs, especially ankles, waist, neck, head, color of hair, the depth of voice, style of clothing, and only then what the woman has to say, and her sense of humor. Looks are the law; everything else is a lie. A funny woman with a flat bottom has absolutely no chance here; in that respect we are similar to the Brazilians. Or take a particularly bright woman who has a mere hint of a mustache above her upper lip. A Croatian man would think: Shave it off, then we can talk about your PhDs.

How much we care about looks is evident in the fact that a Croatian woman doesn’t even get her newspapers without putting on makeup. We don’t believe in loose tops and relaxed jogging pants. Our capital reverberates with the clanking of high heels, our breathing is shallow from wearing tight suits, and the only sound breaking winter nights is the tearing of a size-too-small mini. An ungroomed Zagrebian woman is almost a paradox, which is why they call us the nation of empty fridges and full wardrobes. As our wages don’t stretch far enough to cover food and luxurious clothing, not to mention cars, a lot of my countrymen and women don’t buy food, a secondary item, really, compared with clothes. Yet, we are not as sparkling as our Italian neighbours with their fashion shows, their Armani and the late Versace, the canzone festival in San Remo,...