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Sedaratives: Aasif Mandvi

Sedaratives: Aasif Mandvi

Aasif Mandvi
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Dear Sedaratives,

I have a problem. My boyfriend borrowed my cat for a slumber party and is now refusing to return him. It’s been over a month. I go over there enough that it’s not really a big deal, but I miss owning this animal. How can I make the cat come back without having a violent domestic dispute?

Lumpy’s owner

Dear Lumpy’s owner,

Why on earth would you let your boyfriend borrow your cat for a slumber party? Does this even make sense to you? I can tell you why the cat will never return to you. The cat has been exposed to homoeroticism, and having now been exposed to this lifestyle with a group of young teenage boys, he is likely unable to return to your home and live a normal life.

The boyfriend is not keeping the cat hostage. What has happened is this cat, now addicted to the sweet nectar of homo­deviant sexual behavior, is unable to reenter society. I would say you shouldn’t visit your cat, because it will only bring heartache. As the cat’s need for more and more stimulating sexual adventures increases, you may find that he begins to peruse gay nightclubs and bars, and soon this could lead to a life of prostitution and drugs. That’s right, drugs. You need to forget this cat, and get yourself a new, wholesome cat that has not been tainted by a wild night of slumber-party games that involve prepubescent boys and a stick.

Tough break, kid. Next time someone says “Hey, can I borrow your cat for a slumber party?” I hope you’ll think twice before ruining another feline life.

Aasif

 

Dear Sedaratives,

Is it fair to force my dog to be a vegetarian?

Lucie

Dear Lucie,

I would suggest that you not “force” your dog to be a vegetarian, because forcing will get you into a power struggle with an animal. And that’s always sad to see, because as humans, we have all the money and the guns and the treats. Instead, you should use well-established training methods to teach your dog about the benefits of being a vegetarian. The key word here is respect. If you don’t respect the fact that your dog comes from a long line of meat-eaters, you will not earn his trust, and in the end you won’t be able to manipulate his will.

Your dog, if he is like other dogs, has probably been told that eating meat is part of the culture of being a dog. This is baloney. The problem is that eating meat is where his canine identity lies, just like chewing on bones and barking and chasing...

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