Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

Dear Amy,

I work at a nursing home and have encountered a stinky nuisance. Is there a name for the certain substance that accumulates be-tween folds of skin, as you might find on a morbidly obese person? Is it simply called “Fold Cheese”?

Rebeka Miller
Flushing, Mich.

Dear Rebeka,

Absolutely it’s called “Fold Cheese,” and thanks for asking. The interesting thing about “Fold Cheese” is how conservative people get when serving it. Don’t be content plopping it on a cracker, or layering it on top of a burger. That barely scratches the surface. What about fondue? Remember, when harvesting “Fold Cheese,” the deeper you get, the more robust! Don’t be afraid to really get in there.

Amy

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Dear Amy,

How should somebody go about bathing themselves? There are people on the street that smell horrible, but, you know, they must shower. Is there some special inside thing we get that they don’t?

Courtney Ivo
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Courtney,

Take a visit to your local animal shelter and pick up any random cat. Now take a deep whiff. Pretty sweet, right? It’s called a tongue bath, and it’s not just for felines anymore. In this fast-paced world, you’d be surprised by how many people are taking advantage of this superior and convenient form of bathing. But from the self-righteous tone of your letter, I can only assume that you aren’t one of them. For shame, Courtney. Why are you so afraid of your own tongue?

Amy

Dear Amy,

I’ve recently developed a scorching case of herpes on my left foot and ankle. I woke up one morning with a burning, tingling sensation and since then my wounds have itched and blistered before scabbing over and leaving nasty scars. Do you have any tips for helping me clear up my foot herpes?

Michelle McGlynn
Toronto, Canada

Dear Michelle,

Just woke up one morning and it was there? Honestly, Michelle, do you expect any of us to believe that? Genital stomping is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure more respectable people than you have had their unprotected hoofs knee-deep in a stranger’s naughty region, so grow up and stop hiding behind this wall of shame you’ve erected. That’s number one. Number two, I would suggest that until they come up with a cure for herpes, you keep that swirling cesspool you call a foot under wraps. No sandals for you.

Amy

Dear Amy,

What is the correct way to wipe your anus after you’ve finished taking a poo? From the front or from the behind?

Tatum Lee Shaw
Portland, Ore.

Dear Tatum,

I pray to whatever God will listen that you are a four-year-old and...