Sedaratives: Rich Fulcher

Dear Sedaratives,

My boyfriend wants to know how many guys I’ve been with before him. I’m worried that the number might be a little too high. What’s the etiquette on this? Should I tell him the truth, or what he wants to hear?

Susan B.
Rochester, N.Y.

Dear Susan,

Your boyfriend asked you how many guys you’ve slept with and then you left the room to write me this letter? Is he still waiting? He probably thinks the number is so huge that you need one of those military mainframe computers from I Dream of Jeannie to figure it out. Talk about bad etiquette!

There’s no way out of this now except to go right back in and ignore him. Pretend you forgot because you were distracted with your coin collection: “Honey, I’m sorry, the 1970 uncirculated Kennedy half dollars have been oxidized. What was your question again? Ah yes. I’ve only slept with three guys.”

Rich

Dear Sedaratives,

I just found out that I’m pregnant and I think it might be a good idea to give up the baby. But now my mom wants to adopt it. If this kid comes into our home, what’s my technical relationship to it? Let’s say it’s a girl—does it count as my daughter or my younger sister? And who’s responsible for buying diapers?

Confused mom-to-be in Berkeley, Calif.

Dear Confused,

This question had me so bewildered that I was nearly ready for a procrastinatory masturbation session until I read you were from Berkeley. It all makes sense now. Your mom is probably part of some radical underground organization like the Weather Department or Green Post. She probably put you on the pill when you were nine just so she could adopt your child and win brownie points with the growingly suspect neighbors, who constantly object to your Eldridge Cleaver holiday wreath.

If you have any decency you will send this baby to Kansas, where the only time she hears the word Mao is when she’s downing an all-American bison burger with a side of liberty rings.

Rich

P.S. I’ve recently been informed that the pill actually stops you from getting pregnant, so… go buy those Huggies for your sister.

Dear Sedaratives,

I’ve always thought that polyester is kinda sleazy. So why do old people wear it so often? Are they being ironic?

S.J.
Savannah, Ga.

Dear S.J.,

You could not be more wrong(er). Polyester is a secret garment worn by the Old Guard protectors of Gorthrab, King of the Slug Charmers (see: twelfth century). In order to wear this coveted garment, one must go through Seventeen Ladders of Assessment including Chop the Dish Towel, Seek the Elderberry, and...