Sedaratives: Martha Plimpton
I really enjoy a nice peach, but I’ve been finding that they’re too embarrassing to eat in public. Do you have any tips on how this most mighty of fruits can be munched upon and my dignity remain intact?
I’m glad you asked this. Women should never do anything in public that will upset the gentle facade of femininity that makes them attractive to potential husbands. I keep telling women this, and they don’t listen, because they aren’t very bright. Eating, talking, moving the muscles in your face in any way other than to produce a visage of contented adoration, pooping: these are everyday common mistakes women make that keep them alone and ensure their solitude in old age. If you want to find a husband, eat a banana, seductively, using your tongue a lot, with no shirt on. Hope this helps!
My aunt and uncle are filthy rich. They buy Jet Skis and imported Italian wine and Ferraris and Cohibas. They’re old and wrinkly and I’m young and hunky. But somehow, they’ve got all the material wealth and I’ve got squat. Any suggestions for sabotaging their lives and stealing their money?
Poor in Pottawatomie County, Kans.
Dear Poor in,
You’re a horrible person, but I like you, so I’m going to give you some advice: First of all, you’ve got it backward. If you sabotage your rich relatives’ lives before you steal their money, they won’t have any money to steal, because you will have already sabotaged their lives, which will lead to moneylessness. Are you following me? You have to understand certain things if you’re going to be a greedy bastard. Also, I need more information. You see, I have some diamond certificates tied up in a Nigerian bank account, and in order to withdraw them the bank requires a U.S. bank routing number and $50,000. For your help I will gladly reimburse you and your aunt, plus pay you 50 percent of my diamond wealth, which is roughly $8,397,432.27. What is your aunt’s email address?
My sister has alopecia, a disease that causes hair loss. The doctors have told her it’s incurable, so she’s invested in a realistic-looking wig. Unfortunately, her alopecia has also caused her eyebrows to disappear. She usually just draws her own with an eyebrow pencil, which is OK if she’s able to take her time and really do it right. But when she’s in a hurry, she can end up looking surprised or annoyed. How can I delicately tell her that her eye-brows scare me?
People who have no hair at all are the luckiest people in the world. They’re the human versions of Wooly Willy, that novelty game with the cartoon guy’s head that you put hair on in different shapes with a magnet. What’s more fun than that?
Many impressive people are hairless, and proudly so. There is even a tiny movement of alopeciacs who encourage “Hairless Pride.” Some people have eyebrows implanted into the flesh on their foreheads. Tell your sister not to limit herself. There are plenty of places on Fourteenth Street in Manhattan where inexpensive fake eyebrows can be purchased. She can even pick up a fun rabbi beard! The point is: mix it up. New facial hair every day! Then, instead of scaring you, she can make you laugh. Everybody wins.
Even though I eat multiple times a day, I still get hungry. No matter how much I eat, I’m always hungry again. I’ve started to skip meals because, really, what’s the difference? I’ll just be hungry again in a few hours. Do you have any advice for me?
OMG, have you seen Lust, Caution? The movie is kind of so-so, but Tony Leung is so good in it! I’m completely obsessed with him now. Let’s not even discuss the sex scenes in that movie. Cannot even. He’s a huge star in Hong Kong, of course, and he’s been in a thousand movies and worked with every great Hong Kongese director ever in the history of Hong Kong. I swear to Gawd, I think he’s one of the greatest actors in the world, ever, and I have to marry him immediately!