Sedaratives: Janeane Garofalo
My boyfriend hasn’t had a job in three years. But he’s a pretty boy, very easy on the eyes. Is it worth keeping him around anyway, like a lamp that’s long since stopped working but you don’t throw away because it goes with the furniture?
The lamp provides you with a convenient place to hang damp laundry. The boy without a job does not. The lamp complements your home’s decor. The lad on the dole does not. If you are able to fuck the lamp, then you must donate the boy to the Salvation Army. Get a receipt for tax purposes.
I’m thinking about getting a tattoo, but I want something that isn’t quite such an urban hipster cliché. Maybe something literary? Is having a paragraph from Atlas Shrugged tattooed on my back cool and unique, or just pretentious? I’m not sure.
It is only “cool” if you allow room for an additional tattoo that decries the cynical bastardization of Ayn Rand’s philosophy of rational self-interest by the conservative think-tank movement.
I just had a dream where a large bear started attacking me because I was in a prison tower and it was angry. I am concerned because in the dream, someone I don’t know brought the bear to my house in a plastic igloo and said, “Look, it’s my pet!” Is this an omen?
Liz, age thirteen
Do you mean igloo in the sense of a dome-shaped Eskimo dwelling, or a square-shaped beer container?
I know there’s a difference between stalking and being romantically attentive, but I can’t figure out what it is. Please advise.
St. Louis, Mo.
It all depends on how good-looking you are.“Stalkers” tend to be similar in appearance to people who saw Cats on Broadway more than forty-seven times.“Romantically attentive” describes people who don’t look like they’ve seen Cats on Broadway more than forty-seven times.
My hair is starting to go gray,but I can’t tell if it makes me look distinguished or like one of those hippie ladies who wear sandals and teach pottery classes.What should I do?
Dear Mrs. Larkin,
If you don’t have the silver fox appeal of a James Brolin or a Fionnula Flanagan, then you must work in concert with destiny. Straddle that pottery wheel like you mean it!
I’ve been a smoker for thirty years, and I know I should probably quit. But I don’t want to satisfy those pricks who are always obnoxiously preaching to me about cancer and coughing every time I light up. Is there a not-sounhealthy-but-equally-as-annoying habit I could pick up that’d allow me to live longer while continuing to piss off the right people?
Thanks for your help.
Join the Republican Party. Do what they tell you.
I went to a swap meet where I cut my leg on some rusty scrap metal. I don’t remember the last time I had a tetanus shot. It hurts and there is blood. Should I buy the mannequin arm or the Marky Mark coffee mug?
St. Paul, Minn.
The three-foot Mr. Peanut icon is a better buy.After you leave the swap meet, put the oversize peanut in the car. Drive to the nearest apothecary. Squeeze a dollop of Neosporin from the tube onto your leg. (You don’t need to buy the salve.) Exit the pharmacy. Drive home. Install the large peanut in your bedroom.Throw damp laundry over it.
My dad, whom I haven’t seen in almost two decades, suddenly turned up on my doorstep the other day. He wants to make up for lost time and have the father-daughter relationship he denied me as a girl. Is there a nice way to tell him, “You’re my dad, I love you, but buying a My Pretty Pony for a twenty-eight-year-old woman isn’t sweet, it’s just kinda creepy and sad?”
You now have the perfect opportunity to utter, “Father, don’t darken my doorstep again!” I envy you. Most people don’t even have a doorstep.