I’m a world-class thumb wrestler. I win every time. My boyfriend gets so frustrated when he loses against me that he slinks around with his head hung the whole day. Do I throw a fight to make him feel better?
San Antonio, Tex.
Sorry Barb, I am calling bullshit on your self-proclaimed “world-class” thumb-wrestler status. Anyone who knows anything about professional thumb wrestling knows that there is only one person who has ever held that title, and his name was not Barb O’Conner. Does the name Hal “Hitch Hiker” Hudson mean anything to you? Or am I mistaken and you invented the Flying Metacarpal Crusher? I resent that you assumed I was such a novice to the world of thumb wrestling that I would fall for your ruse. I grew up in Las Vegas, Barb. There wasn’t an International Thumb Wrestling Federation tournament that I did not attend as a child. My bedroom walls were covered in photos of such luminaries as Robby “Knuckles” Jackson, Tiffany “Toe Thumbs” Taylor, and Sylvia “Three Joints” Cortez. You insult my intelligence, Barb. Oh, and FYI, “throwing a fight” would keep you out of the Thumb Wrestling Hall of Fame, but I assume you know that since you are a “world-class” thumb wrestler and all. The audacity!
I hate working. Is there any way I can get out of this horrible, imposed social contract?
Dear R. Penn:
My gut tells me that you are a lazy bastard who has never worked a hard day in his life. Am I wrong? Look at you, you couldn’t even muster the energy to write your entire first name. I don’t even know if you are a man or a woman. But what do you care, “R”? You only care about yourself and your desire to avoid any sort of labor. You disgust me. Perhaps if you spent the energy that you exerted avoiding work, you could have accomplished something other than writing a desperate letter to an expert like myself.
Nice, “R”, you think I don’t know that you are making a rude face at me right now? What? You think that just because my job consists of sitting around drinking coffee and coming up with “zingers” that I don’t have a “real job?” I resent that you are insinuating that, “R”. No, I’m not getting defensive, “R”, you’re getting defensive. Alright, you know what, let’s just both calm down for a minute.
It’s funny, “R”, when I started this letter I really hated you, but you’re kind of turning me around here. You can be very persuasive, when you want to be. That’s a gift, “R,” that’s a real gift. Perhaps I misjudged you.
To answer you question, I don’t think you can avoid working, nor should you. Not when you have this tremendous gift that I am, admittedly, just now recognizing. I pray that you find a job that you love and a career worthy of your talents. Good luck!
I suspect that my allergies are all in my head. How can I overcome them?
Have you considered hypnosis? It is lucky that you contacted me, I happen to be somewhat of a hypnosis expert. And by “expert” I mean that I have watched endless repeats of every episode of every sitcom in which a character is hypnotized. I’m going to need you to relax, Jonathon. Now, clear your mind of everything but the image of your allergies vanishing and count backwards from ten to one. You are getting very sleepy Jonathon, very sleepy. When you awaken your allergies will be gone forever, but you will also think you are a chicken for no reason, clucking anytime someone says the word, “spaghetti”. Additionally, you will realize that Elizabeth Beckwith is the most brilliant, original person you have ever come across in the whole wide world ever, ever, and you will tell others of your mind-blowing discovery. You and your ragtag group of friends known as “Beckwithians” will go door to door spreading the news of your new hero, the most amazing person in the world, Elizabeth Beckwith.
My girlfriend is getting fat. I still love her, and I’ll keep loving her even if she keeps getting fatter, but I liked it more when she wasn’t. Fat, that is. How do I tell her to stop getting fat without hurting her feelings / her breaking up with me?
Dear Name withheld:
Oh my gosh, you are just the sweetest. The fact that you would continue to love your girlfriend even after she got fat, and even if she continues to get fatter makes you the most wonderful person I have ever heard of. Wow! Why would anyone ever break up with you, the most loving, open-minded, least shallow person in the whole wide world? I mean, do you hear yourself? You are willing to love a person, even after they got very fat. I live in Los Angeles, and I can say, with complete authority, I have never heard of such a thing. I think if you tell your girlfriend that you would prefer that she not get any fatter, she will wrap you up in the biggest hug you have ever experienced and tell you, “No problem, sweetheart. I will do whatever it takes to keep you happy because after all, you are a one in a million person, and your happiness is my priority.” She would be crazy to get upset and risk losing you. You have nothing to be afraid of. Trust me, women don’t mind being called fat if it is by someone like you. My list of the most selfless people who have ever existed is as follows: 1) Jesus 2) Gandhi 3) Name withheld.
I’m ready to grow a mustache, but I don’t want to send the wrong message. What does each style of mustache say about its owner?
You are wise to proceed so cautiously prior to growing your facial hair. The wrong mustache can be detrimental to your well-being. As per your request, I have compiled a list of different mustaches and the corresponding message that each style sends.
Natural=Man of the Earth
Pencil Moustache=Pretentious homosexual
Toothbrush=Homicidal maniac/good sense of humor
Walrus=Mild body odor masked poorly by cologne/ gigantic balls
Imperial=Likes to have ass tickled with a feather
Chevron=Carries a gun and one time told his neighbor, “I will blow your fucking brains out if your friend parks in front of my house again, why do you think I put those orange cones out, for my health?”
Painter’s Brush=Outwardly misogynistic, but secretly likes to put on a diaper and be beaten by a man in a Cap’n Crunch Costume.
I hope this list was helpful! Good luck with the ‘stache!
I asked a girl to marry me, she said no. Now we’re dating again. Can I use the same ring to propose again if I put it in a different box?
I feel awkward saying what I am about to say to you in a public forum but you leave me no choice. We are not dating again. We were never dating to begin with. You bought me one cup of coffee nine years ago when I met you at that coffee shop while passing through Pennsylvania. The first time you proposed to me I was flattered, if more than a little shocked. Please do not propose to me again, Nick. I am already married to someone that I love very much. I know that is difficult for you to accept, and you contacting me in this way makes me suspect that you are off your meds again. I wish you all the best, but please do not contact me ever again. Let me say this as clearly as I can: Even if I were single, you and I would never be together. I’m sorry.