Sedaratives: Amy Sedaris

Dear Amy,

Why on earth do Christmas novelties keep coming out in stores earlier and earlier each year? Why is Christmas merchandise on sale before Halloween masks of ex-presidents are? Why are my younger cousins telling me what they want for Christmas in June? It’s too forced. Furthermore, it destroys the entire season of autumn, which here on the East Coast is filled with beautiful maroon, chestnut, and yellowy foliage. How does one cope with such madness?

Christopher Lippa
Brighton, Mass.

Dear Christopher,

Here’s an idea, Comrade. Move to another goddamn country. What’s the matter, capitalism not good enough for you? Well, listen up, Mr. East Coast Liberal College Boy. America has been standing up to you pinko hippie commie types since Christmas began back in the late ’40s, and we ain’t backin’ down now. So the next time you get your yarmulke in a bind after seeing Santa in his red, white, and blue suit, remember this: Those colors don’t run!

Amy

Dear Amy,

What the hell is Figgy Pudding?

Charles Han
San Francisco, Calif.

Dear Charles,

First of all, I don’t appreciate the salty talk. Second of all, why is someone with the surname “Han” so concerned about the traditions of Christmas? Shouldn’t you be focusing on gathering illegal fireworks for the Chinese New Year? But OK, Han, I’ll bite. Figgy Pudding is a traditional English steamed pudding. Ingredients include a cup of suet, which is raw beef or mutton fat taken from the loin region. Which just proves the old holiday adage, “If you think you can’t have a crappier meal when dining in China, try vacationing in England.”

Amy

Dear Amy,

I have a lot of white friends. Is it okay for white people to celebrate Kwanzaa with me?

Shaka Freeman
Oakland, Calif.

Dear Shaka,

A lot of white friends? Are you counting coworkers? Because technically, those people are not your friends. It’s good politics to be friendly with the people we work with. Remember that the next time you’re gathered around the water cooler exchanging wacky weekend anecdotes.Why is this person being nice to me? What are they after? I’m sure excluding coworkers significantly whittles down your list of white “friends.” But what about the white “friends” who are not coworkers? What’s their deal? Well, they may maintain this relationship with you just so they can claim, “I’ve got a lot of black friends.”

So you see, Shaka, you don’t have a lot of white friends. I hope this solves your problem.

Amy

Dear Amy,

If Jews and Muslims were born of the same tribes of Jacob or Isaac or Ronny or whoever killed Jesus, then...