In 2013, Megan Boyle no longer felt like the author of the story of her life. It seemed crucial that she hold herself accountable to an audience outside the diminishing number of players in her social sphere and her increasingly unreliable inner world. From March 17 to September 1, she maintained a liveblog of what happened after the decision to share everything on the internet, and over nearly six months and four hundred thousand words, she grew more instead of less depressed. The blog posts were later collected into a book, Liveblog, published by Tyrant Books in 2018. SWIM conducted this interview near the end of her project. 

—SWIM (Someone Who Isn’t/Is Me) 

I.

SWIM: Hi, Megan. Thanks again for agreeing to do this interview with an anonymous person for The Believer. Due to some technicalities, I can’t disclose my identity. 

MEGAN 2013: no problem. this sounds exciting. mysterious. i feel like it’ll motivate me to be more honest with my responses.

SWIM: I remember in April, you wrote on your liveblog that you were receiving more contact from strangers than from friends. Do you want to comment on that?

M2013: sure. i feel most comfortable when i’m typing, and least comfortable when i’m typing to a specific person who knows me. there are expectations or something, when people know me. lately i’m feeling like there are expectations with liveblogging, too, like, regarding both myself and the strangers reading it. 

SWIM: I’ve been following your liveblog project rather closely over these past five months. Actually, I’d wager that I’m your closest reader (which probably makes you feel uncomfortable; no need to respond to this). I’ve noticed you recently stopped updating. Why don’t we start with that—where are you right now? What’s going on?

M2013: i’m in my apartment in rockaway park. it’s august 16, 2013. a few days ago i visited my friend in rhode island and i haven’t felt like updating since. knowing you think of yourself as my “closest reader” makes me uncomfortable, yeah. it makes me want to urge you to reconsider your values/preferences. i don’t think that’s rational, though, and i hope you don’t take it personally. i’m interested in not feeling that anymore. i’m interested in not feeling many things anymore, but i don’t know what else to feel. i’ve been lower than normal lately, and embarrassed for still not knowing how to get myself out of this situation.

SWIM: That’s why you started liveblogging, right? To stop feeling depressed?

M2013: that was part of it, yeah. 

SWIM: Do you ever think about stopping permanently? 

M2013: i mean, i’ll eventually...