Hodgmina

Here is something true that I have observed regarding people who have written books: their clothes fit well. They seem relaxed and happy as if they are thinking, well, at least I got that done. At least I wrote a book.

They are not an anxiety-ridden, badly tailored nervous wreck like me, for example, or all of you.

But as everyone knows, writing a book is difficult and requires five things: 1) the willingness to endure solitude; 2) the belief that the world cares about what you have to say; 3) a large desk in a quiet room of your own in which to chase your demons (preferably a circular room, so that the demons have no place to hide); 4) special stationery with pictures of typewriters and/or quills on top; and 5) a subject. Unfortunately, I have long lacked all of these things, except for the circular room.

But now I am a father. And thus, as is required by law, I will now devote my creative life solely to writing about my daughter, how brilliant and beautiful she is, and how her naïve wisdom and amusing antics have changed the way I look at life.

Everyone, I am sure, will find this fascinating.

And so I am pleased to announce that I am nearing completion of my first book, which will collect my wacky anecdotes of fatherhood, touching tales of my daughter’s babyhood, and all the charming wit and wisdom of me at my finest.

I have not settled on a title yet. But like every good writer, I have a lot of ideas on how the jacket should look.

It will have a picture of me on it. I will be dressed casually, maybe wearing a sweater. And I will be smiling with bemused exhaustion. And I will probably be touching my chin with two fingers, as if to say “I am contemplating the unique brilliance and beauty of my infant daughter, and soon you will be doing the same.” There will not be a picture of my daughter on the cover. I would like her to have some semblance of a childhood before she inevitably becomes a famous public personality like her father; so to protect her privacy, I will refer to my daughter herewith only as “Hodgmina.”

It will be a very readable book, full of stories told in a conversational style, and often in sentence fragments, as if I am right there in the room with you. I hope you will not find this spooky.

To give you an idea of how this will work, I would like to provide a few short chapters to you now from my new book, tentatively titled either...