Ask Jeannie: Advice from Jean Grae for February/March 2020

Jeannie,

I’m close friends with a writer. We’ve been tight since we were both in middle school. She writes fiction, but in the last few years she’s been writing and publishing personal essays. More and more, I’ve noticed, her family and friends are making their way into her writing, and I’m worried I’ll be next. Since I know you are a person who draws from her life experiences to make art, what’s your advice for someone who’s nervous a friend will write about them?

Blair

Auburn, NY

Jeannie responds:

Hi Blair!

Aw, man. As a writer who has written every single person I’ve ever had any kind of relationship with into whatever work I have ever made… yeah. You just gon’ have to be nervous until it happens, and… yeah. There’s not any good advice for this shit. I will also say that if this is your close friend, this subject’s totally reasonable to bring up in conversation. I would also think that if you guys are close, she’d send you whatever she was going to publish that included anything about you. I’ve done that with songs, etc. Just a heads up.

Mmm. Yep, though. Bottom line is—writers gon’ write. Playas gonna play. Accordionists gonna—accordion? Stuff gonna be stuff it is.

Hi,

I’m really freaked-out about climate change, so recently I’ve tried to go zero-waste. I have not found a solution for toilet paper. Do you know of anything sanitary? Am I becoming too obsessed?

Liza

Wilmington, NC

Jeannie responds:

Hi Liza!

Who doesn’t like a clean bum? Some people, I’m sure. Some people enjoy a dirty bum hole, and hey, not gonna knock anyone’s bum-hole preferences. Personally, I enjoy a pristine bum hole. I wonder if this is the first time bum hole has been printed this many times in this publication. I know you’re concerned about zero-waste, but let’s couple that with “clean bum.”

The world deals with bum holes—and pee holes—in different ways. I would like to usher you toward a bidet attachment. Bidet attachments are great because you don’t have to take out an entire toilet to get a new fancy one, or figure out how you’re going to make space in a bathroom for a hole cleanser next to the poop throne.

Amazon. Bidet attachments. Thank me later.

Seriously, tell me thank you at some point in time, or I will never forgive you.

Jean,

I’m in a relationship but I have crushes on lots of other people: coworkers, medical billing professionals at my doctor’s office, the mailman, the local crossing guard. Is that normal? I haven’t acted on any of them, and I don’t...