Sedaratives: Weird Al Yankovic

Dear Sedaratives,
My wife finally gave me permission to build my own “man cave” in the basement. What are some essentials? I already have a beer tap and a flat-screen TV, but what else do I need?

Tony Kastner
Gaithersburg, Md.

Dear Tony,

You’ve already got an excellent start there, Tony. Just make sure that the flat-screen measures at least as many inches diagonally as you are tall, minus the length of your forearm—failing to meet that spec is a common mistake made by first-time man-cave builders.

Of course, you’ll also want some of the essentials—a stack of back-issues of Modern Bride, a PedEgg (with matching PedEgg caddie), a German-made antique gummy-worm dispenser, a small albino alpaca (neutered), an inflatable wading pool filled with lavender and periwinkle ping-pong balls, a twelve-volt car battery with jumper cables, a box of sixty-four Crayola crayons (be sure to purchase the version with the built-in sharpener), a set of Hummel figurines (no dolphins!), and a Sparkletts water bottle filled with Astroglide. Then I think you’re all set.

Good luck, and happy spelunking!
Weird Al

Dear Sedaratives,

At what age, in your opinion, is it most appropriate to lose your virginity? I’m seventeen and not in any rush, but am being pressured by my girlfriends.

Susan R.
Topeka, Kans.

Dear Susan R.,

Don’t let your slutty, whore-faced girlfriends pressure you into anything. Be your own person. But if you’re asking for my advice (and apparently you are), I’d encourage you not to rush into it. I would definitely wait until you’re married. In fact, just for good measure, I’d even wait a few years after that. I think perhaps the absolute best time to lose your virginity is right after filling out the paperwork for the second mortgage on your home. That worked out just fine for me, and I’m sure it’ll do the trick for you as well.

Weird Al

Dear Sedaratives,

By what books have you been influenced the least? I’m only talking about the ones that had a really, really horrible and negative effect on you.

Raymond Jacobson
Los Angeles, Calif.

Dearest Raymond,

Hard to choose, but I’ll narrow it down to two. For sure, one would have to be the Los Angeles phone book (white-pages edition). Not only did it fill me with tremendous ennui, but it ultimately made me realize how small and unimportant I was in the overall scheme of things—how I was just one of many faceless, inconsequential life forms in the greater Los Angeles area. And then when I got to the Ys and realized that my own name wasn’t even in there (I’m unlisted), it...