Since 2009, Tao Lin has been compiling a number of entries for an encyclopedia on North American Hamsters. Past entries have included: “Unable to Perceive Neutral Thoughts as Neutral Hamster”, “Non-Eccentric Piano Prodigy Hamster” and Prize-Winning Hamster.” Stay tuned to the Logger in the upcoming months for more hamsters.

Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster

Nondescript unless touched with a force between 18 and 26 psi, causing the appearance of a dotted line sort of hovering beneath it and a light blue glow emanating from its surface, indicating it’s a hyperlink, or ‘link’, the Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster is otherwise a fine, vegetarian, outgoing species of North American hamster—hard-working, considerate, perceptive, a boon to its ecosystem, with no known allergies or viral susceptibilities.

Hunting tips: Carefully enclose your own body in not-loose clothing before getting out of your car, because touching an Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamster at a force exceeding 26 psi (atmospheric pressure is around 14.7 psi at sea level) will instantly relocate your consciousness out of the vessel of your body to [unknown], some say. Others, however, say there’s no reason to believe the dotted lines and light blue glows are hyperlinks—that they serve some other purpose, such as camouflage. Then there are those who focus on how it seems impossible to prove the presence or non-presence of a consciousness in a body, therefore it’s not possible to detect whether a body’s consciousness has, or has not, been teleported to [unknown]. 

Cooking tips: Considered a delicacy because of the process of delinking that must be completed before it can be seasoned and eventually ingested, Inconspicuously Hyperlinked Hamsters appear on the menus of most mid-to-high-end restaurants around the world. The most common method of delinking is via an assembly-line process that ends in the hamster being placed in a higher-dimensional form of MSWord and a worker pushing ‘Undo Hyperlink’ on a touch-screen.

See more from this series. 

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North American Hamsters