It is the middle of a Thursday afternoon and I have just threatened Ellie Kemper, the comedic actress famous for playing doe-eyed, slightly-off naïfs in The Office and Bridesmaids.

Ms. Kemper, who is a Princeton grad and improv veteran, agreed with me that we should both go see the movie John Carter, a Disney blockbuster which had recently been decimated by critics and is expected to lose somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 million dollars. She was to head to the theatre in LA. I went by myself in New York City. When our conversation began, I believed Ms. Kemper told me that she did not see the film, which meant that I had just spent 2.5 hours watching the world’s worst movie, for absolutely no reason. In response, I note that I want to kill her. – John Ortved

I.

Ellie Kemper: Did you say kill?

The Believer: I thought you just told me that you didn’t see the movie.

EK: I understand. If I had just called, and you had said, “I have bad news, I wasn’t able to see the movie,” I would have wanted to kill you. I have to be honest with you, I did not like that movie either. Unless you liked it a lot.

BLVR: I didn’t like it all. I just walked home and tried to think of all the reasons I didn’t like it, and there are so many!

EK: Full disclosure, I fell asleep for forty minutes.

BLVR: That means you have to go see it again.

EK: But I tried! I had coffee. I couldn’t understand what was going on! On one hand, I understood everything: John Carter was trying to get the girl. But then on the other hand, I had no idea what was going on. Here’s the thing: I’m not drawn to science fiction, so there’s a problem in the first place. I don’t like Lord of the Rings. I haven’t read any of the Lord of the Rings books. I sat through one of the movies but I fell asleep.

BLVR: Well, first let’s deal with this: Are you not sleeping enough?

EK: I don’t fall asleep to 21 Dresses. I don’t fall asleep during romantic comedies. I do fall asleep during long movies about things I don’t understand.

BLVR: Lord of the Rings is fantasy, not science fiction. It’s more like magic and elves. But here’s my problem with both Lord of the Rings, and John Carter: they never show how the economy works. Where do all these spears come from? Where are their foundries? What do...