Sedaratives: Aubrey Plaza

Dear Sedaratives,

What’s the difference between clinical depression and just being a Mr. Grumpy-Pants? I feel like I could be either.

Alan E.
Chicago, Ill.

Dear Alan, a.k.a. Mr. Grumpy-Pants,

Sometimes I feel like I could be a professional exterminator or just an Old Mrs. Kills-Bugs-A-Lot. I mean, I seriously kill so many bugs that I should be getting paid for it. Am I right? Don’t kill yourself. I love you. Bye.

Aubrey

 Dear Sedaratives,

I like the smell of books. And I love the smell of this magazine. In fact, if my letter gets published, I’ll probably be smelling your answer. Does that make you uncomfortable?Richardson

San Francisco, Calif.

Dear M. Richardson,

Yes. Actually, not really. I like it. I wish you could smell how much I like it. If you could, you’d probably die from an overload of intense smells blasting up your nostrils like angry ghost demons. Does that make you uncomfortable… Mark? That’s right. I am watching you.

Plaza

Dear Sedaratives,

Am I crazy, or are mullets coming back? That Skrillex kid has one. Most of the girls I see at clubs have them. What’s going on? Are they trying to be “funny” or something?

Anonymous

Brooklyn, N.Y

Dear Anonymous,

I’ll tell you who tried to be funny. Your mother. When she popped you out of her vagina. She was trying to be real funny by putting you on this godforsaken planet. She should’ve been paid more than Jerry Seinfeld the day she squeezed you into this galaxy. There should be a ten-hour Saturday Night Live special on NBC every year on your fucking birthday, just showing clips of your mother hilariously giving birth to you!

Anonymous (your mother)

Dear Sedaratives,

Is being really good at cursive writing still something to be proud of? Because you should see my capital L’s, man. Like poetry!

Eric L.
Tampa, Fla.

Dear Eric,

I am so fucking hungry right now. And I woke up with several bites on my feet and hands this morning. What does this mean? I can’t tell if they’re bites or if it’s some kind of a rash. It should also be noted that I just traveled back from Romania. I got in last night. So maybe that has something to do with it? Either way, you seem cool. I mean, I can’t tell if you’re, like, eight years old or eighty years old. But I’d like you to come over and tell me if these are bites or a rash. It’ll drive me bananas if I don’t find out soon. Man, I am starving!...