Aparna Nancherla Speaks to Your Concerns

Dear Aparna:

I grew up in a split-political-party household, so it’s not a surprise that I married into another one. Early on, this difference felt positive: I credit my wife for her stance on important issues, including women’s access to health-care services and right to choose abortion. (I grew up anti-choice.)

We got on mostly fine until the recent election, when it became evident that, over the last ten years, we had somehow swapped perspectives. When did the young pro-Obama veteran I married transition to a red-leaning antifeminist? I’m not sure. But our disagreements grew to get-thrown-out-of-a-restaurant proportions.

This past year has been even worse, with all sorts of phobias, slurs, and plain racism popping up like a whole closet full of new shoes—no offense to shoes. Presidencies are temporary—let’s hope—but families are made to last. Do you have any advice for surviving in a friendship or relationship with someone who has strongly opposing political views?

Sincerely,
Kris J.
Flagstaff, AZ

APARNA RESPONDS:

Hi there, Kris,

I’m fascinated how our deep-seated views can shift over time. As a high-school senior, my final college decision was between Amherst and West Point; that is, a liberal arts “finding myself ” journey or a career in the armed forces. Now I’ve swung further and further left, and it’s hard to conceive of myself in a military culture. I guess I could knit rifle cozies to sell on Etsy, but that’s about it. All this is to say that our ideals and priorities constantly evolve.

It sounds like you and your partner have been walking toward each other’s views and you passed each other like two well-meaning (relation)ships in the night. Perhaps you both overplayed your hands and convinced each other how good your own side was.

Here’s what I’d ask: is this the same person you fell in love with? Since you initially started closer to the side your partner is on now, can that be a way in to understanding her? After all, there is a person you deeply care about behind all the ideology. It seems worth working at. Hopefully, you will learn more about each other. Either way, you can boldly embrace the person you are now, and find out if and how your partner can too.

Can I deeply love more than a handful of people in one lifetime? Also, why does love hurt? Also, if we had enough food, water, and community, would we die without art?

Mari B.

Boulder, CO

APARNA RESPONDS:

I’m glad your last question wasn’t “May I have infinite advice from you forevermore?,” because it seemed like things were maybe going in that direction.

Myself, I don’t identify as a polyamorist...